May 16, 2010

Please... don't hurt me anymore.

Assalamualaikum to all my dear friends.

How's everyone these days? Hopefully life is getting better and better for all of us in every aspects of it. More important, if our life is getting better in a spiritual way and we become more pious and religious while we struggle with all the daily chores as human on this planet.

This morning when I was driving to work, I listened to Maher Zain's Insyaallah all the way from home to my office. Yes, the same song keep repeating itself on and on. Well, actually that was my own doing, lol. I am a bit in a down mood lately. I summarized it down to the after effect of moving house and starting my new term at university.

No, I'm just bluffing. 

I don't know... sometimes certain people can really make me hurt inside. I am quite sad when yesterday, my colleagues were talking about how easy for them to get pregnant and they sound like they were boasting about it in front of me who are not blessed yet with child. They know about me and how sensitive I was about the issue but I can't blame them. They are right!

Anyway, people's mouth can just cannot be shut up. Maybe out of envy and my own hurtful experiences, all the talking makes my mood really bad and all day long I just kept quiet. And I just kept doing that even though I am back at home. I was supposed to be the happy wife, active and lively so that my husband wouldn't know that I am dispirited.

However things got worse. After praying my Asr, the water tank broke and I just sobbed into my prayer cloth... silently. Don't want hubby to know about it because then I'll make him sad and he is not very patient with sadness. Better to suffer alone. No one will really understand except Allah Subhanahuwata'ala. 

Then late yesterday's afternoon, my 8-months-pregnant sister came home. I just couldn't take it anymore and kept to myself inside my room, reading the Qur'an and not talking at all with anyone including Hubby. He's so busy with his work. I bet he don't even notice me. Not until Thomas Cup, Uber Cup and whatever 'cups' will finish then he'll be as usual again. And ... that might be long after World Cup.

Where was I? Oh, the pregnancy issue. I know, I'm trying to be tough. I succeeded but only to some extend. When people keep harrasing me with he the same questions, insinuating me, and saying I'm not fertile... The word infertile is very very very hurtful. I think I might explode... soon. But alhamdulillah, never to that extend yet because I always cool my anger and hurt down with istighfar and just get myself away from those people.

I keep praying everyday and every time that Allah remembers me and my pleas. I pray that He loves me enough to bless me with a fertile womb. I am trying and if I have enough money I'm considering IVF. The fatwa has come out that Muslims can also do IVF by following certain rules. Yes, I know... and I already research, read and even attended a seminar about it. But right now, it's not possible. The cost is way too high.

I forgive those people who hurt me either intentionally or not because at the end of the day, it's between me and my Lord.

32 comments:

aiyine said...

sis, remember that patience has no limit. be strong and inshaAllah everything will be fine. Allah's delay is not Allah's denial. i adore your strength anyway.

just my 2cents ;)

Nawal said...

I know how you feel sometimes. Its tough to be faced with people in situations that you wish you had even when you know they are not trying to rub it in your face. I think you are right in that we have to turn to Allah and seek his mercy and answers. He plans for us and is wiser than us, and its hard not knowing or seeing the wisdom in His plan for us while we are going through that struggle

NoortheNinjabi said...

May Allah SWT bless you with many children, through whatever means, ameen. Stay strong. It's awful, but inshaAllah you can get through it and gain hasanat from your patience. *hugs*

ellen557 said...

Oh kakchik... I'm really sorry to hear that.

Ya Rabbi, please give our sister kakchik a beautiful child. Reward her as she has rewarded us with her beautiful words, ameen.

Nurul Qadafi said...

kakchik napa ni... :(
masalah btulla org jenis cmni. tak fhm hati org! xper kakchik. kami ni smua doakan kakchik dapat baby comel x lama lg. saya ni kalau ada dengan kakchik masa diorang merapu tu, memang saya laser balik dah diorang. saya ni mmg bkn penyabar mcm kakchik. tak sukala! kirim salam dgn sapa yg ckp kak chik cmtu. belum masa dia lagi, bolehla dia cakap. ujian Allah utk org kat dunia ni lain2. nnt jadi mcm cikgu sy masa skolah teknik dulu. dia kawin 6thn xder baby. pastu ttba Alhamdulillah Allah bg dia pregnant. Pastu tiap2 tahun dpt baby. we're so happy for her masa tu. now dia dah ada 5 kids. kakchik jgn risau kakchik. rezeki tu smua Allah bagi. org cakap bukan2 tu, nnt Allah balas baru dia tau. Bukan nak doa buruk, kan... Tapi kdg2 elok jgk bg pengajaran pd org yg memerlukannya. Tu je. Sorila kalau mcm kasar sket saya cakap ni.
Sayang kakchik. Namola nanges2. Nnt x comel :)

kakchik said...

syukran aiyine. insyaallah i remember sis but thanks for reminding. i know... just need to be more patient isn't it?

kakchik said...

Thank you Nawal. I really appreciate your kind words sis. It makes me feel that I have friends who care and support me. You are right, His planning is sometime can't be understand by us especially when we are hurting. Insyaallah I'm trying hard to accept thing as it is.

kakchik said...

Noor, jazakillahi khair. Amen ... amen... amen... I am praying for you too. Thank you for coming to give me support.

kakchik said...

Dear ellen, it's ok. My mood is gradually getting brighter more so after reading yours and others' comments. Ameen... ameen... ameen. May Allah bless you my friend.

wnorhaslina said...

Salam

Kak Chik..terusik jiwa ina baca entry kak chik yg ini..seakan membaca catatan sendiri. Seperti Kak Chik jugak Ina sangat2 nak anak tambahan membesar dalam keluaraga yg besar..(anak saudara ada 24 org) Dalam keluaga kakak dan abang semuanya ada anak paling siket pun 2. Kita yang pecah rekod dah 5 tahun kawin belum ada anak..

Tak apa Kak Chik..Kita pujuk hati kita penantian kita tidak sia2. Allah pilih kita untuk harungi ujian ini..Setiap saat penantian dan doa kita Allah beri pahala..Syukur suami kita memahami..tidak pula tak sabar dan mendesak kita..

Sekarang Ina cuba berjumpa pakar di hospital. Stage by stage. Check suami isteri..treatment untuk isteri dari segi ada telur tak. Cuba makan ubat kalau tak berjaya buat IUI. Kalau tak baru IVF. Kosnya tak semahal swasta. KAk Chik boleh cuba LPPKN jugak. Mahal daripada hospital biasa sebab dia separa kerajaan kot. Kita usaha Allh juga yg menentukan semuanya.
Ina doakan Kak Chik tabah harungi ujian. Semoga Allah makbulkan doa Kak Chik dan kurniakan zuriat soleh dan solehah. Insyaallah.

Maaf panjang sangat komennya..

Stylomom said...

Mashallah CHik, jangan dok peduli apa kata orang... even I feel a lot of bad vibes from people who think that I have too many children already and shouldnt have more- so I keep quiet. People will never stop talking and hasad brings them very much closer to syaitan.. just stay focused on the good things and inshallah everything will be ok.. in due time Chik, rezk comes from Allah and we only can ask Allah knows what is best for us. Inshallah.

kakchik said...

Dear Nurul,
kakchik sedih sikit sebab orang2 yg sedang pregnant ni macam sengaja2 je bercerita betapa mudahnya orang itu, orang ini mengandung. tak payah nak tunggu lama2. tersentuhlah hati kakchik bila diorang dok sembang betul2 depan kakchik. malas nak layan, kakchik diam aje.
komen nurul tu buat kakchik senyum lebar. hehe... agaknya kalau nurul ada kat sebelah, boleh jadi back up kakchik kan.
terima kasih ya dik.

kakchik said...

wa'alaikummussalam ina.
kita sama-sama faham kan ina betapa cabaran hidup kita dalam isu ini. kita support one another ya.
moga-moga segala usaha kita akan membuahkan hasil juga nanti.
terima kasih ya ina.

kakchik said...

Stylomom, susah juga kak nak tak peduliakan bila mereka betul2 di depan kita. Macam nak ajak kita sembang bersama mereka je. I don't think they have evil intention but they are so insensitive.
Insyaallah I'll stay focus and I believe in Allah. TQ sis.

nazliahnazeer said...

Ya Allah..mcm mana lah diorang ni.. tak sensitif betul. :( sabar ya kak chik. Smoga Allah kurniakan kakchik ramai anak2 comel, soleh & solehah lpas ni. *hug u*

Melda :o) said...

Assalamu alaikum my sweet sister,

first of all: AMEEN! to sister ellen557's and sister NoortheNinjabi
s du'as!

You're doing the right thing by turning to Allah for an answer. Keep it up and your du'as may be answered some day. If not, remember there's always paradise and we will all have children there :o)So even if you're not meant to have kids in this life, don't give up because in Jannah you'll be blessed with them :o)

HUGS to you, stay strong! ♥

Hajar said...

Assalamualaikum Kak Chik,

It must be tough for you, and I can feel the great amount of woe you keep inside you. Rest assured that Allah S.W.T. is forever listening to you, and your patience shall Insha'Allah be rewarded. I'll make du'a for you sis. Be strong, and don't lose hope. :)

oum moesaa said...

Salaamu alaikum sister,
May Allah reward you and may He give you more sabr to deal with this trial. And last but not least may Allah give you a beautiful child, ameen.

♥Agustina♥ said...

As-Salamu Aleikum dear Kakchik,
I'll tell you my very own experience, when i get married i couldt keep my pregnancies, i lost 2 babies the first one was big not just a little two months baby like the second one that i loose, i was so depressed. And people used to tell me stupid things like eat 7 dates every morning, jump upsy down, after sexual relation put ur legs up in front of a wall...between you and me i used to hate them, why they couldn't leave me alone?!.
But with time i embrace that the only one who can help was Allah swt, then i went to hajj and ask Allah so muc for a healthy baby who could reach at world, when i come back...taraaaaan! i was pregnant of my beauiful girl Maram u know her... now i'm expecting a second child inshaAllah in few months.
What i'm trying o tell is this, when i finally put my faith just in Allah and i forgot the rest, when i get relaxed about thinking why whyyyy i can't get any baby...Allah provides us alhamdulillah.
And even if this doesn't work is because Allah knows better was is there for you, i'll keep you in my du'as.
xoxo A.

JASMINA said...

Dear Kakchik,

assalamu alaikum!
I'm very sorry that you were so sad.Some people are so insensitive and rude!But,you're doing the right thing by trusting Allah.Let them just be!Seriously...next time when somebody hurts you like this,just say to yourself:LET IT BE!!!I know it's not easy,but consider the fact that now you have to concentrate only on yourself and your husband if you want children.Examin all the possibilities well and think about what is best for both of you.Be strong my dear :)!Allah is with you and our humble selves,too :)!
You know,this might not cheer you up at all,but still I've to tell you.You know,since I've known you I've never thought about the fact if you have children or not.Really,I thought about it only now after reading this post.That's beacuse my dear Kakchik,you're always such a positive and smart woman that I think first of all about you when I read your blog.I could only wish to become such a complete woman and really you're such an inspiration to me.You study,you have your own business and such a refined style.I just want to say that even if you don't have children yet,you're such a complete woman.A real woman!
I hope and pray that such a beautiful woman becomes children very soon,because...such a mum would be so great ;)!
I send you all my love and a strong hug...mwah!!!

kakchik said...

Terima kasih naz. Kadang-kadang orang lupa... kerana keseronokan mereka yang sedang mengalami saat-saat mengandung. Kakchik maafkan mereka. Moga Allah makbulkan doa naz untuk kakchik tu.

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam Melda.

Jazakillahi khair sis. Yes, I always know about the possibility of not conceiving during my life on this world but Allah said that He will not change the destiny of us unless we work to change it. Either we succeed or not it's up to Him but still we need to try our best. I'm trying because I believe. I'll be strong and you make me stronger. TQ again.

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam Hajar. Feeling all the love of a sister consoling me makes me more sure. Insyaallah I'm stronger now. Thank you for making du'a for me. I'll make du'a for you too.

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam oum moesaa.
Syukran jazilan dear sister. May Allah bless your du'a for me sis. He knows.

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam my friend Agustina.
I am so sorry to hear about your lost of those 2 babies but I know they are waiting for you in Jannah now.
LOL, people are telling me the same thing and most articles and books that I've read on getting pregnant mentioned the same things too. A few also suggested for me to go for hajj or umrah and make du'a there. I am planning for umrah and really wish to pray a lot there.
Insyaallah I'll remember your naseehah and always believe in Allah. One day soon, I shall be a real mother too.
You take care now. May Allah gives you a safe and healthy birth with a sweet beautiful baby like Maram. Kiss her for me please.

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam JASMINA.
Thank you... thank you... very much sis. You certainly cheer me up with your comment. Pls don't worry. I am made from a stronger stuff :) that can regain my self esteem very quickly, insyaallah.
Ow... you make want to hug you a lot for saying all those wonderful things about me. But I am not complete. I have too many flaws which I have to redeem. Only Allah knows. Yet I'm glad that you find inspiration from my life experiences. Really wish to meet you sis. Not just you but all the friends above too.

Ar-Raqaiq said...

Salam akak...

Been reading your blog long time but this is my first comment. I am in a really similar situation and I understand how u feel. I suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome and just underwent an ovarian drilling recently.

Have a drop to my blog on my latest entry and you'll know how difficult it is for me...

http://dropletsofdew.blogspot.com/2010/04/aku-mahu-jadi-spt-khansa.html

InsyaAllah Allah is the best planner and He knows what's best for us. Just keep on praying and we'll get there some day...

Owh... if you wants to drop by my blog shop selling modest clothing from Syria, you are most welcome. Also have collections of beautiful abaya from Jordan market when I went there last month. Unfortunately I dont have the photos of the abayas to be uploaded on my blog but if you would like to see then will happily snap the photo for you and send it to you privately...

Here's the link:
http://raqaiqclothing.blogspot.com


I'm keeping you in my prayer inshaAllah. Salam Ukhuwah!

Khadeeja

mJ said...

salam ukhwah...
i am exactly know how it feels...coz we're in the same boat...sana sini situ semua dok mengata/bercerita : si polan tu kawin tak sampai berapa bulan dah peknen...but for me, senang je if depa dok ask or insult me with the question that i dont know how to react with, this is my answer : 'ada anak pun blom tentu jadi orang' i knw its little bit harsh but who cares! hati kita siapa nak jaga?

my hubby lagie teruk dipermainkan kawan2nye...but he answered wisely with the hadith "janganlah kamu lalai dengan isteri dan anak2 kamu" terus mereka semua diam...

be strong ya...i wish u & me gonna be stronger to face this ujian, insyaAllah...

i nak link u dear :D

POSH76 said...

me too tingin nak my own baby tapi apakan daya belum ada rezeki...bukan sedey dgn qada & qadar tp sedey dgn mulut manusia yg ckp tak pakai OTAK huhu

kakchik said...

Wa'alaikummussalam Khadeeja. Thank you my dear sister for your kind words and understanding. You must be in a lot more difficult situation than me because of the cyst. I hope you are doing better after the operation. May Allah bless us both with fertile wombs soon.

Thanks for both links and I've visited both. Insyaallah I'll put the links in my bloglist.

kakchik said...

Salam ukhuwah mJ.
Thanks a lot sis. I'm strong because I have friends like you. Your husband is very wise.

kakchik said...

POSH76, mulut manusia ni memang banyak yang sukar dikawal. Kita sabar ajelah kan. Kita kan COOL ladies hehe. Tapi hati tetap sakit bila selalu sangat orang mengata kita.

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